fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
