girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
