woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
