So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
