Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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