Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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