This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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