I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
