I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
