Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
