dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
