On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
