it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
