I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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