My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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