I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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