i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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