Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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