I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
