Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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