After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
