It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
