I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You're earring is so big in my mouth
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
