I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
