My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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