Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
