booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
