Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Randomize
