And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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