just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
