When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
