Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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