I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
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You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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