so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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