My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
