a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
