I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
