i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
