Is it normal to miss your booty call?
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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