My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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