I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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