I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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