And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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