Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize