So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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