Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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