i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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