I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
