Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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