Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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