Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
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You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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