Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
