oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
