Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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