he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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