Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
