I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
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uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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