What did we do last night that was yellow?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
